Process of Adopting Internationally: Some answers to your questions

A few people with whom we shared our decision to adopt have been asking "have you thought about adopting this way...or that" Having read some books, or hearing stories from people in the past or someone who knows someone who adopted, these questions are expected and fair. And while I have explained to those in the know a little bit about the process, how we arrived at this decision and the legalities involved, I thought the below link might give them a better idea of what I mean.

http://www.adoptiveparents.ca/on_intadoption2.shtml
 An impt pt in the above link to note is "You must have Ministry approval before you proceed with the adoption. It is an offence under the law to pursue an intercountry adoption without Ministry approval." 

 Which rules out any under-the-radar way of adopting one might have heard about in the past. And with something this important you dont want to do anything at all that may jeopardise your family once your baby is home. Now, with strict regulations and licensing you may adopt internationally ONLY through a licensed agency in each country (eg. India has given license to only around 3-4 agencies appx throughout Canada, and same for Russia.) Relative adoptions are treated a little differently, but since no relative has offered their baby to us (imagine the complications!) I won't discuss the legalities of that here.

In many ways it is because procedures were lax and people abused it on both ends, the orphanages who didnt make sure kids were truly abandoned/orphans before giving them to parents internationally because of the high fees they get from the international families compared to the domestic ones from whom they get 1/10th or less. And the other side where people abused and illtreated adopted kids or worse they were used in child trafficking. So, it is good that there is better regulation, but there are just too many children who deserve and need a home and lengthy and difficult processes can break even the strongest of resolves to go through with it. We can all do better.

Love is meant to be shared.

"By adopting a child and helping them reach their potential they help us reach ours.
An adopted child is not an unwanted child. To the contrary, it is a child who was searched for, prayed for, cried for, begged for; received by arms that ached making empty hearts full. Love is meant to be shared"  Author Unknown.

Gracious answers to some awkward questions about adopted kids

Gracious Answers To Awkward Questions About Our Adopted Kids

by Deborah McCurdy, MSW

When we adopt a child who looks different from us, we generally feel we can handle the stares and loss of privacy that go with the territory. We may find, however, that the frequent questions and comments of strangers and relatives sometimes annoy and worry us. At the heart of our anger and anxiety is the fear that our adopted child will be hurt by thoughtless questions, or that their older siblings, who look less exotic, will feel neglected, but this need not happen.

It is reassuring to realize that even seemingly insensitive questions are nearly always well intentioned, and that they actually provide an excellent opportunity to express our delight and pride in our adopted children (as well as in their siblings who were born to us). The attention that our children receive is generally very positive, even when the inquirer's choice of words is not ideal.
Our answers to questions about a foreign-born child should also include any bio-kids who are present:

Q: Where did you get this dear little one? Where is she from?
A: She was born in Korea, and her brother here was born in Albany. (Most people will pick up on your inclusion of the older child and start including him, too, if you furnish answers about both to each question asked about the adopted child.)

We can start early to practice answers that will affirm the children, preparing for the day when they will be old enough to understand:

Q: And do you also have children of your own?
A: Just these two. (This affirms adopted kids as our own.)
Q: Are they real brother and sister?
A: They are now! (This clarifies that adoption makes us a real family.                     Q: Isn't she a lucky little girl? What wonderful people you are!                                A: We're lucky too, to have such a wonderful child!                                                    Q: How could the mother have given up such a lovely child?                                       A: It would have been very hard for the birth mother, but she just couldn't take care of any baby. (This reassures the child that there was nothing wrong with him or her.)                                                                                                                               Q: What do you know about the real parents?                                                                 A: Well, we're his real parents, actually, since we're bringing him up.                      Q: Oh, of course - I meant the natural parents.                                                            A: We don't know very much about the birth parents. How have you been? How was your summer?

In nearly all cases, the questions reflect pleasure and delight in our families, and they can generally be answered very briefly and cheerfully, with a smile. If you are out shopping it is fairly easy to avoid prolonging the discussion by saying, " Bye , now!" and moving from the peaches to the potatoes. If we are trapped into a longer conversation in a supermarket line or in a social situation (and the children are old enough to understand what is said), we have several options:

1. Give a constructive response, then change the subject.
2. Answer with, "I'm glad you're interested in adoption. Let me give you my phone number and we can talk later. Can you call me tonight?"
3. Give an oblique answer, rather than a direct one, if it seems a direct answer to a particular question would be awkward for us, the questioner, or the children:

Q: How much does an adoption cost these days?
A: It's about the same as giving birth in a hospital, if you don't have maternity coverage and allow for complications. (Yes, you can faint now! ;))
Q: Do you have any pictures of his parents?
A: Oh yes, we've got albums of our whole family.

Responses such as the above can gently educate others, especially if said with a smile. But we are answering primarily for our children's ears. In the few seconds that we have to prepare our response, we need to make a quick decision as to what words will best support our child's self-esteem, protect the child's privacy about his origins, and/or clarify that adoption builds "real" families with their "own" children. (The right answers come more quickly with practice.) Until more people learn the modern vocabulary of "birth parents" and "children by birth" we're bound to be asked occasional seemingly insensitive questions about the child's "real parents" and our "own" children. I believe that the fault is really in our outdated language more than in the person asking an awkward question. True, some people are not as sensitive as they might be, but usually they have a genuine interest and we would rather not embarrass them (and risk making things worse). We can generally find a gracious answer which will affirm the child without sounding critical of the person asking the question.

 In a pinch, humor can save the day:

Q: Are you babysitting?
A: No time for that, now that I have these two of my own!
Q: Whose little darlings are these?
A: Ours! We adopted the big boys from Korea, and the two-year-old is homemade. (Some of us may find it helpful to volunteer all this information to forestall a subsequent question about whether the child who matches us is "our own.")

. In our early discussions with our children about birth-parents, we can explain that "real parents" are actually people who are bringing up children who are their own by birth or adoption, and that many people are confused about this. This point should ideally be made before kindergarten, where other children may question our children about their "real parents" when we're not there to explain that that's who we are!
Our agencies stand ready to assist us with any post-finalization problems we may have, and our adoptive parent support group can help as well.

Although we may not always feel comfortable about having our family the center of so much attention, the situation certainly does have it benefits. For one thing, the subject of adoption comes up naturally on many occasions, so we develop comfort in discussing adoption in our children's presence even before they understand the concept. Also, the encounters give us frequent opportunities to say positive, supportive about our children (and about adoption) with their hearing.

Some people have observed that adopted children who don't outwardly resemble their families often tend to feel more positive about their adoption than those who match the adoptive parents. This is presumably because the fact of adoption is so obvious that the subject has necessarily been an open one from the time of the child's arrival. It is something the child has always known, rather than a subject to be breached someday with trepidation as a potentially shocking fact of life.

Deborah McCurdy, MSW is Adoption Supervisor at Beacon Adoption Center in Great Barrington, MA. She is also the mother of a Colombian-born son.

10 days since...

1st June. That's the day we officially started the process to bring you home, little one. The day we met Diane Thornton, our home study adoption practitioner. She is the one who will help set thing in motion by a 2mnth (hopefully not longer than that) process through a series of interviews and home visits that we are fit to be parents, mentally, physically, financially, emotionally and every other 'ally'. Its strange when you think about it, you dont need any qualification, training, etc to be a birth parent but should you choose to bring home a little bundle of joy that you didnt give birth to physically you have to prove yourself. Im fine with that, its to safeguard the little ones, but just a point that comes to mind.

So, we had our 1st interview/meeting with Diane on 1st of June 2012. It went wonderfully well and after 1.5 hrs she declared she was very excited and happy to be working with us and she was with us 100% and would do whatever needed done as soon as we wanted it done and could get the necessary processes completed before she writes our homestudy report! And after that she wanted to stay friends with us once her 'job' was done. She is also the one who will complete the legally required follow up visits for 3 years after our baby comes home to us.

On 4th June I flew to Las Vegas on a pretty impromptu trip to meet my close friend Rohini, her 1.5 yr old lovely lil Amelia and hubby, Manish. It was just what I needed, she and I talked a lot and I sounded off a few fears I was having after reading things online and she helped me calm down a bit and we had a lovely time walking around Vegas and just being the girls we were back in Melbourne, Australia, when we lived together in the same apartment in QEW. Thank God for good friends! :)

I flew back on 7th after a cancelled flight the night before and very stressed cause I didnt want to miss a meeting at CAS, which I did and Deepak had to go attend it instead, alone. But I got home safe by 7th just before midnight to also wish your chachu, Vinay, a happy birthday. :) 8th morning was our 2nd interview with Diane, and we discussed more things and I told her about my fears about FAS and what I had read about it. She told me to avoid reading things written on American sites as their regulations, ways were very different and Canada being the conservative, very careful country that it is may make the process seem even more difficult, tedious and long, at the end it is for the best and she didnt know of children with FAS. STill, its better to be informed and aware than be caught by surprise.

At the end of the day, I think, we pray that you are being loved right now wherever you are, safe in whosoever's arms you are in right now, and protected by your surroundings, till we find you and bring you home. After that should something come up health wise, well, you are our child and we'll deal with it like any good family does. We will find the best resources and help you be the best you can be. That I can promise you. So, 10 days closer to meeting you, little one. Baby Steps. Hang in there, and stay strong.

Once Upon A Time

"Once upon a time..."
That's how most fairytales begin, and that is perhaps the way our story shall also begin. One that we will tell our lil 'dorogaya' (which means 'darling' in Russian) once she/he is in our lives about how we all found each other and how he/she grew not in mummy's tummy but in mummy & daddy's heart. About how, truly like in a fairy tale, after trials and tribulations, and voyages across the seas, villians who made things diffcult and angels who saved the day, we became a family. And lived happily ever after. :)

Hopefully by this time next year, if we are lucky and if things fall into place which Im sure they will (fingers crossed).
 This blog will be our diary through this journey. The journey from being husband and wife, to that of being Mommy and Daddy.

We know there will be highs and lows, ups and downs, moments which will be scary, emotionally painful & those that will give us hope which will remind us that at the end this will be so worth everything that we go through. But isnt that what having a baby by birth also involves? The fear of something going wrong along the way, but the hope that we will all make it through safely, the pain involved, the emotional rollercoaster, etc. But everything is worth it the second you see your baby! And that...is what we will keep reminding ourselves when it seems tough or impossible to go through.

For I know in my heart that somewhere right now tens of thousands of miles away, across the world, there lies a little baby in a cot or cradle that is waiting for us. Our baby! Our dorogaya!

Now, all that we have to do, is not give up trying to bring him/her home, to do whatever it takes so she/he can come home and we are a family. So, dear God, keep our baby safe, wherever he/she is, till we are all home together. Amen.