Gracious answers to some awkward questions about adopted kids

Gracious Answers To Awkward Questions About Our Adopted Kids

by Deborah McCurdy, MSW

When we adopt a child who looks different from us, we generally feel we can handle the stares and loss of privacy that go with the territory. We may find, however, that the frequent questions and comments of strangers and relatives sometimes annoy and worry us. At the heart of our anger and anxiety is the fear that our adopted child will be hurt by thoughtless questions, or that their older siblings, who look less exotic, will feel neglected, but this need not happen.

It is reassuring to realize that even seemingly insensitive questions are nearly always well intentioned, and that they actually provide an excellent opportunity to express our delight and pride in our adopted children (as well as in their siblings who were born to us). The attention that our children receive is generally very positive, even when the inquirer's choice of words is not ideal.
Our answers to questions about a foreign-born child should also include any bio-kids who are present:

Q: Where did you get this dear little one? Where is she from?
A: She was born in Korea, and her brother here was born in Albany. (Most people will pick up on your inclusion of the older child and start including him, too, if you furnish answers about both to each question asked about the adopted child.)

We can start early to practice answers that will affirm the children, preparing for the day when they will be old enough to understand:

Q: And do you also have children of your own?
A: Just these two. (This affirms adopted kids as our own.)
Q: Are they real brother and sister?
A: They are now! (This clarifies that adoption makes us a real family.                     Q: Isn't she a lucky little girl? What wonderful people you are!                                A: We're lucky too, to have such a wonderful child!                                                    Q: How could the mother have given up such a lovely child?                                       A: It would have been very hard for the birth mother, but she just couldn't take care of any baby. (This reassures the child that there was nothing wrong with him or her.)                                                                                                                               Q: What do you know about the real parents?                                                                 A: Well, we're his real parents, actually, since we're bringing him up.                      Q: Oh, of course - I meant the natural parents.                                                            A: We don't know very much about the birth parents. How have you been? How was your summer?

In nearly all cases, the questions reflect pleasure and delight in our families, and they can generally be answered very briefly and cheerfully, with a smile. If you are out shopping it is fairly easy to avoid prolonging the discussion by saying, " Bye , now!" and moving from the peaches to the potatoes. If we are trapped into a longer conversation in a supermarket line or in a social situation (and the children are old enough to understand what is said), we have several options:

1. Give a constructive response, then change the subject.
2. Answer with, "I'm glad you're interested in adoption. Let me give you my phone number and we can talk later. Can you call me tonight?"
3. Give an oblique answer, rather than a direct one, if it seems a direct answer to a particular question would be awkward for us, the questioner, or the children:

Q: How much does an adoption cost these days?
A: It's about the same as giving birth in a hospital, if you don't have maternity coverage and allow for complications. (Yes, you can faint now! ;))
Q: Do you have any pictures of his parents?
A: Oh yes, we've got albums of our whole family.

Responses such as the above can gently educate others, especially if said with a smile. But we are answering primarily for our children's ears. In the few seconds that we have to prepare our response, we need to make a quick decision as to what words will best support our child's self-esteem, protect the child's privacy about his origins, and/or clarify that adoption builds "real" families with their "own" children. (The right answers come more quickly with practice.) Until more people learn the modern vocabulary of "birth parents" and "children by birth" we're bound to be asked occasional seemingly insensitive questions about the child's "real parents" and our "own" children. I believe that the fault is really in our outdated language more than in the person asking an awkward question. True, some people are not as sensitive as they might be, but usually they have a genuine interest and we would rather not embarrass them (and risk making things worse). We can generally find a gracious answer which will affirm the child without sounding critical of the person asking the question.

 In a pinch, humor can save the day:

Q: Are you babysitting?
A: No time for that, now that I have these two of my own!
Q: Whose little darlings are these?
A: Ours! We adopted the big boys from Korea, and the two-year-old is homemade. (Some of us may find it helpful to volunteer all this information to forestall a subsequent question about whether the child who matches us is "our own.")

. In our early discussions with our children about birth-parents, we can explain that "real parents" are actually people who are bringing up children who are their own by birth or adoption, and that many people are confused about this. This point should ideally be made before kindergarten, where other children may question our children about their "real parents" when we're not there to explain that that's who we are!
Our agencies stand ready to assist us with any post-finalization problems we may have, and our adoptive parent support group can help as well.

Although we may not always feel comfortable about having our family the center of so much attention, the situation certainly does have it benefits. For one thing, the subject of adoption comes up naturally on many occasions, so we develop comfort in discussing adoption in our children's presence even before they understand the concept. Also, the encounters give us frequent opportunities to say positive, supportive about our children (and about adoption) with their hearing.

Some people have observed that adopted children who don't outwardly resemble their families often tend to feel more positive about their adoption than those who match the adoptive parents. This is presumably because the fact of adoption is so obvious that the subject has necessarily been an open one from the time of the child's arrival. It is something the child has always known, rather than a subject to be breached someday with trepidation as a potentially shocking fact of life.

Deborah McCurdy, MSW is Adoption Supervisor at Beacon Adoption Center in Great Barrington, MA. She is also the mother of a Colombian-born son.